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1 A headmaster has put happiness on his school's curriculum. What do the teachers say?

a Smile, damn you, smile b It's a cigar called Hamlet c Can I play them my Ken Dodd record?

d Will there be an exam?

2 More and more American schoolchildren are learning Chinese. Why?

a They're going to invade China b They want to read The Art of War in the original c They want to play Chinese whispers d They think it's what Iranians speak 3 People are driving into the River Avon while following their SatNavs.

What do the locals say?

a Which part of 'Danger! Bloody Great Big River Ahead' didn't you understand?

b Would you like a cigar?

c Don't worry, Shakespeare fell in there once d There is a tide in the affairs of men, which you've just missed 4 Shakespeare is being downgraded at GCSE. What do pupils say?

a Whatever b Didn't he fall into the Avon?

c Hamlet. That's a cigar isn't it?

d For herein Fortune shows herself more kind than is her custom 5 Chinese soldiers are now not allowed to snore too loudly. Why?

a Because the Americans might hear them b Because Confucius said: 'The snoring soldier frightens the nightingale'

c Because Sun Tzu said: 'The snoring soldier pisses off the general'

d Because the general said: 'Shut up, I'm trying to listen to the nightingale'

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1b, 2a, 3d, 4c, 5a

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