a The great heatstroke crisis of 2006

b The world’s first hair refinery

c An epidemic of homeless lice

d A new hairstyle called the Manila Slick

2 McDonald’s has redesigned its dessert pots to make them safer for hedgehogs. What will be next?

a It will redesign its hamburgers to make them safer for human beings

b It will redesign its coffee cups to make them safer for really incredibly stupid car drivers

c It will redesign its party hats to make them safer for bald Filipinos

d It will launch the McHedgehog, just out of badness

3 Australia is recruiting plumbers from Britain and Ireland. What will be the consequences of this?

a 20 million Australians will be asked, “What pillock did this?”

b 20 million Australians will be told that the water goes down the plughole the wrong way

c An outbreak of mass teeth-sucking will damage the ozone layer

d Every plumber in Australia will have a big job to finish in New Zealand

4 Labour has admitted making mistakes over Afghanistan. What does absolutely everyone say?

a No, really?

b Well, at least it’s a start

c Pillocks!

d All of the above

5 The British are emigrating in record numbers. So who are going?

a Plumbers

b Hairdressers

c Heatstroke specialists

d Absolutely everybody

QUIZ ANSWERS: 1a, 2d, 3c, 4d, 5d