PAT is a hunter. PAT is famous for his ability to track achievements across the desolate wastes of the education system, using the mysterious powers he draws from his value-added graphs and his tool specifically designed for target-setting. PAT is much loved, because he can find achievements where everybody else has failed. He is always accompanied by his close friend PANDA. PANDA comes every year with the Autumn Package, which contains national benchmarks. He is invaluable to PAT because of his amazing overview, which he uses to spot free meals. (When they are hungry, they eat these while sitting on the national benches.) PAT always travels light, and can excel with just a spreadsheet on the ground. He relies for his success on his power to decipher the mystic texts. He is adept in the rituals of the comma separated variable, and knows how to survive the brain-eating common transfer file. Sometimes he puts flags on pupils, so that people can see them better. PANDA also likes to raise standards. PANDA is a magic beast, and can take different forms.

As a primary PANDA he is seen by many in November, while in December he will appear as a secondary PANDA. He also takes on the guise of an ePANDA, but in this state one should take care in approaching him, as he is very case-sensitive. He is easily recognised, however, as he always has a six-digit URN. Many who seek the ePANDA say that he is ‘not found’. This is because they are separated by a firewall, which only the bravest can surmount. PAT and PANDA work well together. This is partly because they are both members of the extended Acronym family, but mainly because they produce results. When it comes to performance, PAT can go further than PANDA, because of his tools. PAT can enable question-level analysis of tests. He is also interactive, and welcomes your comments. PANDA, however, is unrivalled in identifying percentile boundaries. But while he is friendly with other Acronyms, such as the QCA, the DfES and Ofsted, he refuses to speak to the public. Together, PAT and PANDA are impenetrable.

The future of education is assured.

timhomfray@aol.com