Six years ago, my little family and I made a very difficult decision: to move abroad. If you have ever done the same, you will know how difficult and heartbreaking this decision can be. If you have never tried it, the only thing I can say now is that you are lucky.

I don’t blame anyone for my decision. At that moment there was a certain, not very happy, situation in our home country of Romania, which made us consider that the solution of living abroad was a good one for us. We didn’t choose England for a very special reason. Both me and my husband had jobs (I was a teacher and he was a lawyer). He had a job offer and he accepted it, despite it being under his qualifications, as we desperately wanted a change in our situations and Britain could meet our expectations. After a separation of nine months, we decided that we could’t live like this, with my husband in a different country to me and our one-year-old daughter, so we moved over here.

Lingering doubts

There is a long story about how to adapt in a different country, about fighting to prove you are who you are, about the same question you hear in your head day after day: “Have I made the right decision?”

But when the result of the referendum was announced, I stepped back in time. The only difference is that I am in a more complicated situation: my daughter, who is now aged 8, is now British in her heart and in her mind. She went to nursery here, some of her first words were English, her life is in England. I cannot quite explain to an eight-year-old about the EU and about voting. I don’t doubt that she would understand, but I want to keep her away from all of this. I want her to think about playing her piano and violin, about climbing with her friends in the big tree in front of our house, about the rocks she studies in order to become a scientist. 

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how hard I will try to put a shield over her, it’s not going to last. Did I fail when I made a decision for my daughter years ago? When I heard the referendum result I knew the answer was, sadly, yes. I just wonder how many other parents out there felt the same, watching their children - and my pupils - going to school that morning...

No one knows what will happen

I’ve been thinking a great deal about my job, too. I am a French teacher and this is what I have done since I was 20. We all know that teaching is a vocation and this is definitely what I am going to do for the rest of my life. It’s part of me and I can’t stay away from school, no matter how difficult it is. But I have been left unsure of my future as a teacher here.

No one knows how the decision that was made on 23 June is going to affect my professional life, but I can say only one thing: I have a feeling of emptiness and confusion, because I don’t know what exactly England wants from me. And for the second time today, this old question pops in my head again: did I fail when I made the decision to leave my school back home and come to teach over here? I don’t want to answer it.

I’ll keep in my mind the conversation I had yesterday at school with one of my old student’s parents. “My son took lots of exams in different subjects,” they said. “Guess which subject he passed with the highest score of all? French.”

It made me smile. I smiled driving back home and I am smiling right now. And this is something that no one can ever take away from me.

Except, the question is still there…

The writer wishes to remain anonymous

Tell us what keeps you awake at night. Email: chloe.darracott-cankovic@tesglobal.com

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