At this special time of the year, I’d like to draw attention to the less fortunate among us: to the poor, the lonely, the outcast; to those at the bottom of the social pile; to the shunned, the scorned, the very detritus of our society. I refer of course to those who work in further education.

Let’s face it, it’s no wonder they’re lonely at Christmas. Who in their right mind is looking for a mate with no money and chat-up lines about Learning and Skills Council funding mechanisms?

If this is you, however, take hope. A possible solution is in sight. If you can’t find a partner outside the profession, why not search for one on the inside?

Starting today FE Focus is running a pilot scheme for lonely hearts in their search for that special other. A selection of entries appears below; just browse and make your choice:

* LOVE ME, LOVE MY PILE OF MARKING!

Hello there. Let me tell you something about myself. I wouldn’t say I was harassed, but the last time I looked in the mirror I saw more lines than the London tube map. I’d love for us to meet, but getting together might present problems. Maybe I could squeeze you in between 7 and 8pm, but only on alternate Wednesdays, when meetings permit. Or perhaps we could have a quiet evening in filling out my early-leaver forms and tweaking the retention and achievement targets for all my classes. Isn’t that what love is about nowadays, tweaking? Yes, I’ve had girlfriends before, but they never seem to stick around for long. I don’t know why.

* LOVE ME, LOVE MY CALCULATOR OK, I admit it, I’m a calculating kind of woman. Maybe that’s why I became an FE administrator. It’s not that I expect my guy to be inch perfect. In fact, inches are not particularly what I’m interested in. My ideal man must measure up in other ways. For a start, he must be tall, but not too tall; bright, but not brighter than me; handsome but not pretty; witty but not too wise. The man I want will be a lover, a friend and a parent all at the same time. Someone who’s tough but with a feminine side; warm but not soft. Does that sound like you? No? It doesn’t surprise me. Somehow I never can get to meet the man of my dreams.

* LOVE ME, LOVE PAUL MACKNEY Baby, I’m a union man. So perfect partner will be interested in collective bargaining and long weekends in Walsall at FE sector conferences. Or we could sit gazing at the stars, watching the last glimmers of that once bright spark, the Silver Book. Then I can whisper sweet nothings in your ear - all those sexy secrets about composite motions and the single transferable vote. GSOH essential - you need one to be a Natfhe activist! Only women with full beards and moustaches and an interest in flared trousers!

* LOVE ME, LOVE MY STAMP COLLECTION No, only kidding. I wouldn’t want you to think I was some kind of a nerd. Actually it’s trains that I’m really into, the sort that used to rush through stations belching smoke all over the place. So, if you give me a whirl, it’ll be a very steamy affair! Maybe we could talk timetables. I’d love to give you the lowdown on my complicated journey to work. Well, I suppose you’ve guessed by now - I’m a leisure and tourism lecturer. Naturally, I live at home with my mum. But don’t worry, she doesn’t have to come on all our dates.

* LOVE ME, LOVE MY LEARNING OUTCOMES Let’s get one thing straight: I’ve got no interest whatsoever in all that wishy-washy stuff about feelings. Only in results. So, by the end of our romantic encounter my lover must be able to: 1 Communicate effectively his intentions and desires in clear, well-structured love letters, laid out according to the conventions of the genre; 2 Organise any licentious thoughts into complete sentences and paragraphs; 3 Use the grammatical structures of standard lovespeak to express meanings with clarity and precision; 4 Grasp and use appropriately a wide range of lovemaking techniques drawn from European and at least two other cultural traditions.

Candidates should submit a neatly written letter of application, clearly stating qualifications and previous experience in this field.

* LOVE ME, LOVE MY BANK BALANCE Sometimes I think that’s all anyone ever wants me for. I’m really lonely if you must know. I walk the corridors of the college and people just melt away before my eyes. What do you mean, paranoid? They really are talking about me. Oh yes, I get invited to all the meetings, but no one ever tries to communicate. They just sit there and nod, or say yes, or grimace behind their hands when they think I’m not looking. Sometimes I think they must be trying to tell me something. For God’s sake, I never wanted to be a principal in the first place!

Stephen Jones is a London FE lecturer