Super Christmas Gifts

For him: Inflatable inspector ‘Reggie’

A six-foot dummy with a blow-up body and foam rubber head. Medically proven therapeutic value. Hit it in the right place and it drones “generally sound” in a funereal voice. Wop it again and it screeches “below the national average” in a high-pitched whine. One more slap and its head falls off. Guaranteed hilarity all round. “We’re in special measures and I’ve already broken both my wrists on it” - Arthur Boggis, headteacher, Gasworks Academy.

Ofsted Inflatables Plc: deluxe model pound;99.99 (breaks wind noisily as head falls off), bog-standard model pound;29.99.

For her: Inflatable supply teacher

Another winner from the same company, made in extra strong rubber, this life-sized blow-up dummy is an exact replica of a brilliant supply teacher - brimful of teaching ideas, endless patience, with huge biceps - precisely what she needs to take over her class when she is knackered. Just pull the toggle and “Bessie” inflates instantly to teach any class any subject.

“She certainly fooled us; we thought it was the deputy head” - Year 6, Swinesville primary school.

Ofsted Inflatables Plc: deluxe model pound;99.99, bogstandard model pound;29.99 (only says “Copy out of your textbooks” over and over again).

For the kids: Lunacy hour

Print your own curriculum, suitable ages six to 14. A set of hysterical templates allows children in your class to construct their own silly subject and then print an impressively genuine-looking statutory order for it. 10 minutes of toenail clipping in not more than two ability groups, 15 minutes of whole-class interactive mud-wrestling, two minutes to scratch your bum.

Initiatives Unlimited, pound;49.99, (with genuine recycled national curriculum ring binders, pound;69.99).

Game of Life

Gripping maths computer game they will play for hours. Players start at Level 1, work up to Level 8 and eventually try to gain entry to the Greatest Comprehensive School on Earth (GCSE). Stevel Knievel Byers stands in their way asking tricky questions like 7 x 8, to which the official government answer ‘54’ must be given.

Railtrack Timefillers, pound;34.99.

Films on Television Carry on Leaving

Hilarious farce from the Carry On team with all the usual favourites. Two government agents, Sid Initiative and Ken Bulletpoint, try to get rid of all the teachers in Miss Diehard’s Academy by burying them under large piles of government bureaucracy. Eventually all the teachers leave and Sid uses the school’s funding to pay off his gambling debts.

Meanwhile Ken goes to work for the Teacher Training Agency to dream up a few hundred more objectives and online tests and get rid of all the next generation of student teachers.

Sid Initiative: Sid James; Ken Bulletpoint: Kenneth Williams; Miss Diehard: Hattie Jacques; Sid’s bookie: Stephen Byers; TTA official: Boris Karloff.

Books For Christmas

DFES Little Book of Calm.

3,000 pages, 10,000 wheezes, pound;12.99, (post, packing and NHS truss pound;99).

C Woodhead Life After Ofsted

(includes all Daily Telegraph articles). Three pages, 29p (inc post and packing).

Christmas Hour

Here is the official government prescription for how all teachers must spend the hour between 12noon and 1pm on Christmas Day.

12.00 to 12.15

Access Qualifications and Curriculum Authority website, copy out schemes of work.

12.15 to 12.30

Game of snakes and ladders, whole family, interactive.

12.30 to 12.50

Timed spelling test for individuals - must include “accommodate”, “separate”, “discumnockeration’” and “utterbollox”.

12.50 to 1.00

Eat official Ofsted-graded Christmas lunch: two “national average” sausages, 10 “generally sound” chips, 20 “satisfactory” peas.

The mandatory format describing how all the other hours on Christmas Day must be spent can be found on the DfES website at: www.stalinistbutcompletelyclueless.gov.uk.