Ted Wragg, professor of education at Exeter University, answers your professional problems, big or small, every week. Ask him for independent advice - or offer some of your own - by writing to: Dear Ted, The TES, Admiral House, 66-68 East Smithfield, London E1W 1BX. Or email: dear.ted@tes.co.uk

Ted says

Teachers are entitled to have a private life - irrespective of their sexual orientation. There is no reason why you should feel obliged to talk to your classes about personal matters. After all, if you had been with a girlfriend, you would not be expected to announce to pupils the following day that the woman was 27 and her name was Penelope.

Teachers’ behaviour in public will always come under scrutiny. A heterosexual teacher engaging in passionate embraces at an event attended by pupils from his or her school would be criticised for improper behaviour, not because of sexual orientation, but on the grounds of decorum. If your own behaviour is what is expected of professional people in the presence of their charges, you have nothing to apologise for or explain.

Society has become increasingly accepting of many types of relationship. But this increased tolerance is not universal, and in some communities your relationship may attract more gossip or adverse comment than in others.

If significant numbers of local people tend to regard gay relationships as an aberration, you might have to make a personal decision one day about the need to talk openly about your life. Proceed carefully if you do decide openness is the best option. Badly handled, such disclosure could be seen as aggressive or self-indulgent, alienating even those who are not hostile to you. Skilful management is essential and you should seek advice from a trusted colleague. You should certainly consult your head, rather than act unilaterally.

There is no single right answer to your question, becauseit all depends on your own personality and on the environment in which you work. In the end you must make your own decision. Organisations for gay people will be able to advise you about how other professional people have responded in similar situations.

You say

Honesty is best My response to students’ questions about whether or not I am gay has always been: “Yes, so what?” This upfront and honest approach has always worked for me and I have never met a negative reaction. On the two occasions a student was silly over the subject, the school’s equal opportunities policy ensured the quick application of sanctions to nip any problems in the bud.

Anonymous, email

Unwanted gossip is a discipline issue

Any teacher is entitled to a private life away from school and in that respect your sexuality is not the issue. In this enlightened society, which encourages respect and tolerance, you should be entitled to expect a professional teacher-pupil relationship. But action must be taken if pupils make comments that overstep the mark.

My advice is to explain to your headteacher and senior staff that pupils are making comments about your sexuality which you find uncomfortable. You must not think you are apologising, but simply asking for support. The matter can then be dealt with appropriately as a discipline issue by the senior management team, should the pupils continue. I would not consider it necessary for you to have any conversation with the pupils about it, except to make clear that their comments will not be tolerated.

Keith Lodge, Kingston upon Hull

Out may be best, if you have colleagues’ support

When I started teaching 14 years ago I made the decision to be an “out gay”. I felt, and still do, that my sexuality is irrelevant to my ability to be an effective teacher, but as a person I am more confident and comfortable with colleagues, when I have no secrets to keep. I have never regretted this decision.

But there are two points you need to consider. Will the staff, especially the senior staff, support your decision? If they do not, you are opening yourself up to the possibility of bullying, or lack of support in dealing with difficult parents or pupils. Second, your personal life is simply that; your pupils should know that it is private and be expected to respect this.

You should also talk to your union or teaching association. They have societies and members who have been through this process. Their local support could be of immense use to you.

Paul Bell, London

Just be yourself

Many years ago, when I was a deputy head, I remember several of us chatting in the staffroom to an outstanding supply teacher who’d been working with us for a few days. Someone asked him if he was married, and if he had any children. He said he lived with his boyfriend and was gay. We were taken aback, simply because very few people “came out” in those days. The topic rarely surfaced in staffroom discussions and the general assumption was that virtually all teachers were heterosexual.

But even in those unenlightened times, we still thought he was a great teacher and a lovely person and nothing had changed. And therein lies the answer to your question. If you want to come out, do so, but it doesn’t really matter - unless you’re in a school environment (often, sadly, a church school) where you think you could be stigmatised. And if some pupils saw you with a friend, so what. It’s your life, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and if they ask you questions about it, simply smile and give a direct answer.

Primary head, Rugby

Coming up: Our head is a drinker

“We suspect the head of our large primary has a drinking problem, although we have no proof. What should we do?” What do readers think? Let us know at dear.ted@tes.co.uk. We pay pound;40 for every answer published