fter packing up the car with “best teacher” mugs and piles of books that will likely stay in the boot all holiday, I thought that rather than ranting about all that’s wrong with the world, I’d instead pen some Christmas carols just for teachers. Enjoy.
While Teachers Mark
While teachers mark their books each night up at the DfE
They’re looking for another way to forced academies
With tasks and tests and scaled scores the teachers felt confused
The trials of the current year left them all feeling bruised
But fear not, said the minister, more changes for next year
We’ve tried to think up more new tests but just had no idea
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Said the headteacher to the HMI
Do you see what I see?
Look just over there, HMI
Do you see what I see?
A child, a child, learning in his class
Making progress here in my school
Making progress here in my school
Said the HMI to the class TA
Do you hear what I hear?
What is going on here, TA?
Do you hear what I hear?
A teacher now, is giving back their work
Not a mark can be seen on the page
No red marks can be seen on the page
Said the teacher to the poor inspector man
Do you know what I know?
Listen now to me inspector man
Do you know what I know?
Sean Harford knows, far more than you, sir, do
That my marking is not done for you
That my marking is not done for you
Said Sean Harford to teachers everywhere
Listen to what I say
Do what’s best for children everywhere
Listen to what I say
Your school is yours, now run it as you will
Teach your children the best way you know
Teach your children the best way you know
Now Rest ye Merry Teacher Folk
Now rest ye merry teacher folk
Let no work pass this way
Remember that each Christmas time
Your family come to stay
So stop your work, put down your pens
Put that laptop away
It is time now for Baileys and gin
Baileys and gin
It is time now for Baileys and gin
Hark the Right-wing Press
Hark the right-wing press does sing
Grammar schools are just the thing
They are perfect for my child
With the riches we have piled
Keep the riff-raff from our doors
Insist on some high test scores
And with common voice proclaim
Poor kids should achieve the same
Equality for everyone
But something better, for my son
In the Comprehensive
In the bleak staff meeting, teaching staff did moan
Pay rises were tiny; timetables had grown
Budgets falling year on year, year on year
In the comprehensive, worse to come we fear
Principals and leaders, subjects can’t sustain
As they plan their spending, feel the heavy strain
Bills are rising once again, tax and NI rise
Teachers are the big cost, results the only prize
What can we do now, poor as we are?
If we were a business, we would raise our charge
If we were a rail firm, fares would surely rise
But instead we’ll have a class of 45
Silent Tests
Silent tests, grammar tests
Phonics check and the rest
Scores must rise for every child
While in practice their hours are whiled
Booster classes now, please
Booster classes now, please
Silent tests, grammar tests
Nouns and verbs, we digest
We shall learn subjunctive form
Fronted adverbs become the norm
Long division will rule
Long division will rule
Silent tests, grammar tests
Whose scores will be the best?
Drill them all in greater depth
So much for that curricular breadth
Praise the scaled score
Praise the scaled score
Michael Tidd is deputy head at Edgewood Primary School in Nottinghamshire. He tweets as @MichaelT1979
