Getting your first job is a big moment. Something to celebrate. It’s also a source of great stress. What if no one wants you? Will people really pay you money for being a teacher? Even you? I remember getting my first job. I was terrified of interviews and had a phobia about them. It started when I was 19 and I applied for college. On my form I put Manchester first, Nottingham second, then three other places.

Nottingham replied quickest so Iwent off to my first ever interview. I was very scared.

The very first question was: “Why have you put Nottingham second?” Shocked, I replied: “Because I like Manchester.”

I ended up going to college in Manchester. Ever since, I’ve hated the whole positions vacant thing.

The first problem is the form. Job application forms are all essentially the same. Three A4 pages with the usual stuff - name, address, qualifications, you know. And work experience can be a problem. Paper rounds are not impressive, summer jobs don’t really count and you’ve only done bar work if you’re Australian.

And don’t even think about writing “Prefect in sixth form”.

After these relatively simple pages comes the last page. This seems to be the same on every job application form in the world. It seems to fold out into a long supplementary section. On top of this magically elastic page are five shocking words: “List your hobbies and interests.”

Now if you’re a normal person, you haven’t bloody got any. And if you’re a normal person, all you could truthfully write is that you watch telly, drink, and eat chocolate Hob-nobs on the toilet. But you can’t write that, can you? And you can’t reasonably go to a job interview and expect to get away with a probing chat about Eastenders, bottled lager and the joys of biscuits on the bog.

So you need to be a little creative when applying for that first teaching post. But be careful - only put down things you have some inklings of, things you have actually done once or twice.

Don’t write “Tai Chi expert” because it makes you sound serious, spiritual and slightly lethal. If you do, it’s inevitable that the interviewer will say something like: “Oh, Tai Chi, how wonderful. I’ve studied Tai Chi for 45 years. What style do you practise: Yang, Chen or Wu?” And you can be sure that in-depth supplementary questions will follow, along with requests to demonstrate.

In short, beware ye the way of bluffing on forms, for your lies will find you out.

Of course , the other problem is getting an interview. Some people are very picky and are looking for the perfect job in some sort of hand-built Buddhist school attended by blond children thirsty for knowledge and indifferent to Ali G, or with children who are strangely keen to assist in Ofsted inspections and happy to mark their own perfect homework.

Others do what I did and apply for every job they see. This method works - even if you write your application in crayon on wallpaper, you’re bound to get an interview somewhere.

And there’s the interview itself. I reckon they decide in the first 30 seconds. Be yourself. Be dynamic. Be confident. And if you’re not dynamic and confident, be someone else. Dress well, smile and don’t say:

“Teaching’s about the kids, innit?”

So how did I get my first job? Well, a friend of mine’s mum was a teacher and her school needed a supply teacher. So I did that for a term and then got a job there. No forms, no interviews, no lies. But that’s how the world works sometimes.

Thanks Mrs Jones.

Simon Bligh works as a stand-up comedian. He was a teacher, once. Tonight and tomorrowyou can catch him live at the Glee Club, Hurst Street, Birmingham