National pay scales may appear restrictive, but they do offer people a ladder of progression and a career structure. No doubt harmonious schemes will be devised for assigning the cash, but there could be mayhem if people think this latest manifestation of the market system is unfair. I can picture the scene.

“Ah, Mr Jenkins, do sit down. I’m glad you’ve been able to come along for a little chat.”

“Thank you, headmaster, but I’m afraid I didn’t understand all that jumble of letters in the note you sent me, something to do with our salaries, wasn’t it?”

“Quite right, Mr Jenkins. The extra money the Government has given the school for our excellent results is a bit of a headache, that’s why I want to see every member of staff individually, to sort out the IBS as soon as possible.”

“IBS? I don’t understand.”

“IBS stands for ‘Individual Bonus Scheme’. It’s another ‘market forces’

system for rewarding hard work. The Government has given the school money in recognition of our progress, so the governors and I have worked out a scheme for assigning a bonus to those who most deserve one. We rejected the FRBS solution” “FRBS? What does that mean?”

“Sorry about all the acronyms in my letter to staff, but FRBS stands for ‘Flat Rate Bonus Scheme’ - everyone would get the same amount of money. We drew up a system for calculating a separate amount, rewarding each person for individual merit. It seemed only fair.”

“I thought we were all going to get about pound;340, that’s what it said in the papers.”

“That is the average, but under our scheme those who really deserve it will get more.”

“Presumably that means that some people will get less.”

“Quite correct, Mr Jenkins, and that is what I want to explain. You see, we have drawn up a solution we have named OFFAL.”

“Awful?”

“No, OFFAL, it’s a set of weightings, ‘Official Factors For Acknowledging Learning’, because we wanted to put progressing up the league table at the top of our agenda. We start with pound;340 and then add or subtract according to the OFFAL loadings.”

“Does that mean I get more than the average because my music results have gone up this year?”

“Ah, now you’ve put your finger on one of the problems. Music doesn’t qualify for the pound;100 SS premium.”

“SS, what’s that?”

“It’s for a ‘Sexy Specialism’, like maths or science. Music is a NILTSU, I’m afraid.”

“NILTSU?”

“It means ‘Not In League Table, So Useless’. In fact, teaching music was given a negative loading.”

“Negative loading? I don’t understand.”

“Music, art and PE teachers have been deducted pound;200. The other bad news, by the way, is that you were docked a further pound;150 for SODOFF.”

“Pardon?”

“You’re 46, you’re more expensive than a newly-qualified teacher, which means you had to be given a SODOFF weighting,‘Salary And On-costs Dear, Over Forty Factor’. That makes pound;350 debited altogether, so you owe us a tenner.”

“But that can’t be right, headmaster. I work long hours, I’ve produced excellent concerts and carol services for years, many former pupils write and tell me they still practise music because of my teaching. What do I have to do to get more money?”

“Well, let me look at the schedule, I’d like to be helpful.

“Now the biggest bonus is pound;500 for a MOSTPNTGP, but unfortunately you don’t qualify for that”.

“Why not?”.

“Because MOSTPNTGP stands for ‘Maths Or Science Teacher Promising Not To Get Pregnant’. You might still be in for a GIEML though. That’s flexible, pound;50 to pound;500, according to specialisms.”

“What’s a GIEML?”

“It’s only for people who are applying for jobs at another school: ‘Got Interview Elsewhere, Might Leave’. Unfortunately there isn’t much left in the kitty anyway, because I am pleased to say I myself have been awarded a pound;10,000 BUNG.”

“BUNG? Does that stand for ‘Being Useless, Never Grafting’?”

“No, it means ‘Buttering Up Naive Governors’.”