A payload that huge, travelling at that speed, would be subject to a burn-up effect far greater than that suffered by space craft re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere. Calculations show that the reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy, and would be vaporised in a ball of fire within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Not that Santa would notice. At that speed, he’d be contending with a centrifugal force 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. Not much of a way to spend Christmas.

Let me hastily add that the above is the briefest of summaries of a far more detailed exposition which is to be found in that magnificent depository of information you never knew you needed - the Internet.

And Christmas is the season to be jolly even on the Internet’s fabled World Wide Web (WWW). So my advice to everyone this holiday, is to cast aside that bumper issue of the Radio Times, courteously decline invitations to drinkypoos and tell anyone who is likely to visit that your hamster is showing symptoms interestingly akin to those of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Then, follow my example: throw a Yule log on the fire, and log-on to a cyberyule with the cyberdudes.

The Internet offers all the traditional festive trappings - including a bigger selection of nuts than you could possibly imagine. I’ve e-mailed my chums Christmas cards, courtesy of an excellent free WWW service run by an American charity, Domino’s Farms; I’ve dutifully opened digitised doors on various advent calendars; and collected enough festive clip-art to fill every remaining nook and corner of my hard disc.

Any child who strays near my home has e-mailed a letter to Santa. And received a reply - which certainly beats shoving bits of paper up the chimney. I’ve read 100 seasonal parodies (“It was Christmas day on the Tardis”), had a hearty ho-ho-ho at Christmas cartoons and jokes, and downloaded the lyrics, music and audio files of carols.

I’ve collected recipes for cranberry bread, egg-nog cookies, holiday punch, Christmas beer - and a dozen hangover cures. There are paintings of the nativity filched from the world’s top galleries, a definitive guide to Christmas films and texts such as Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. I know I have it on my bookshelf, but there’s something undeniably magical about seeing it materialise as if from nowhere - like the Ghost of Christmas Future.

I haven’t listed dozens of Internet addresses because the joy of the WWW is that every site is adorned with hypertext hotspots that allow you to meander like a New Year reveller from one location that takes your fancy to the next. I know that the hours spent following this Christmas trail have been a magnificent waste of time, but it’s a carefree way of discovering the Internet’s enormous potential, and having a foretaste of how we’ll all be doing things when the superhighway eventually arrives.

If you don’t yet own the necessary hardware to go on-line, the New Year sales will be a good time to hunt a bargain.

Or you could put in a last-minute request to Santa - but I doubt if even the most robust kit would be up to much after exposure to 14.3 quintillion joules of conflagrant reindeer.

a good menu of Christmas addresses: http:www.auburn.eduvestmonchristmas.html Christmascards:http:branch.comchristmas And if you’re stuck for someone to send one to: arnoldevans@easynet.co.uk