Everybody who thinks they might be in the wrong job, take one step forward. Now wait a minute. You writers of books for young children - where do you think you’re going? Get back in line!

I’m sorry, but you people really do have a nice little number. Yes, I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but I know genuine verdure when I see it.

What is it that you do, exactly? You write books with titles such as This is Molly - weighty tomes by virtue only of their being printed on 3mm-thick cardboard. Why not go for MDF and be done with it?

And I guess once you’ve come up with the title, that’s the job more or less done, yes? Title of book: This is Molly. Full text of Page 1: “This is Molly.” Now, who’s ready for a little rest and recuperation?

Page 2, when you can summon the energy to tackle it (Oh, the horrors of a blank sheet of cardboard!) pretty much takes care of itself. You’ve introduced the main character, so it’s time to meet her. Full text of Page 2: “Hello Molly.” Take courage, now. You’re almost halfway there.

But tread carefully. Remember, you can’t just write any old twaddle, like that Martin Amis. This is a book for young children, and as such it must be educational. Thus far, the narrative has been all of a voice - the voice of the parentteacherother carer. But in life, a child will hear many voices. So you have a responsibility to introduce a second speaker at this juncture.

And what about vocabulary? It’s no good introducing all those words if you don’t reinforce them.

Finally, there’s the question of citizenship. If conversation is one of the building blocks of society, turn-taking is the keystone of conversation.

Can there now be any question as to the way forward? OK, so go for it. Page 3: “Hello.” That’s Molly speaking, of course.

But this will be obvious in the finished book, on account of the illustration, won’t it? Ah, yes. A water colourist has been hired to fill each page with fetching images in luminous, flowing colours. With luck, the illustrator’s name will appear on the title page - under yours, of course, and probably in italics.

But don’t let me keep you any longer. You almost certainly have a TV series to write.