David Newnham tries to make himself heard above the din of children’s TV
Look at this bloke. Can you guess who he is? Here are some clues. He didn’t walk in - he ran. In fact he’s still running - running on the spot, while clapping and talking (“Top job. Yeah. Nice one!”) And did I say talking? Actually (“Wow!”) he’s shouting, and jabbing the air with an index finger like Lord Kitchener each time he says “YOU!” He wants YOU to have fun! He wants YOU to keep sending in your absolutely brilliant emails. And, most importantly, he wants YOU to stay tuned. Because this is children’s television (“Cool!”) and he is your presenter for the NEXT TWO HOURS!
When Anne Robinson spoke out against the volume of children’s TV, I’m sure she spoke for millions of passive listeners across the land. And it isn’t just that the presenters shout. There’s all that phony cheering too.
The word “Hooray” has no place in a modern child’s vocabulary, any more than “Hurrah” or “What Ho!” Do people chant “Hooray” at football matches? I don’t think so. And yet that is what the kids in the studio must shout whenever they see the board marked “Cheer”. It’s unnatural.
Ashley from Chertsey sends a snap of his baby sister? “Hooray!” Two teams pour warm jam over a cardboard gorilla? Even the winners must shout “Hooray!” And now it’s time for your emails! “Hooray!” The louder they cheer, the louder the presenter shouts. They sound as though they’re having such a good time. Don’t you wish you were there? You must be joking. But it occurs to me that the children who watch it do, or why would they rush home from the relative calm of school and surround themselves with this wall of sound?
And rush they do. Which rather suggests that we have things the wrong way round - that the classroom is the place for decibels and home the place for peace and tranquillity. Might less attentive pupils respond better to a curriculum delivered at maximum volume? Would literacy and numeracy sessions benefit from a background of orchestrated cheering?
It’s bound to come, so why not prepare for it? All together now - and don’t forget to wave those arms: “Next up we’ve got a whole 60 minutes of reading!” “Top job. Yeah, nice one! Hooray!”
