As a schoolboy, I would dream about being a grown-up. How would it be to drive a car? Imagine eating whatever I pleased. Could a diet of Opal Fruits sustain a man?

But when adulthood arrived, the chief benefit took me by surprise. No more sport.

So what’s gone wrong? Why do I once again dread weekends? And what brings me here, in the illest of winds, to the margin of a school playing field?

Saturday morning football.

I won’t have to do anything, will I? Not go in goal or anything? “No, noI just try to look interested. And DON’T get into any conversations about soccer. Remember what happened in the shopping mall? Ah yes. We had been looking for a football shirt, size four to five years, and I had spotted a boy wearing just the thing. “Excuse me,” I asked his father. “Where did you buy the lad’s shirt?” “Anfield,” he replied.

Anfield. Was that the shop next to Woolworths? The store opposite Boots? “Anfield!” he repeated. “Hello?” So here I am with a bunch of dads, and mum’s the word. Talk about the weather. Talk about anything exceptI But here comes Mr Bullock with a net bag full of balls. “Okay dads,” he says. “I’ll need all of you to lend a hand.” What can go wrong? They are mere infants, when all’s said and done.

Anything they can kick, I can kick harder. Except that the ball does seem to fly off at a crazy angle whenever I try it.

“Use the sweet spot,” says Mr Bullock at last (he came here to teach the children, for heaven’s sake.) And when I look puzzled, he bends down and shows me which part of my foot to use.

Later, he takes me to one side. “You’ve not done much of this, have you?” he says with genuine curiosity. So I tell him about my misspent youth - the hours of piano practice. “So you’re a musician?” he says, his face brightening. I’ve seen him dance at the PTA disco and I suspect he’s quite a raver.

“Sadly, no,” I say. “I couldn’t master that game either.” Still, it’s Friday lunchtime and I’m listening to the car radio. “Rain will spread to most areas by morning,” says the weatherman. Excellent news. Think I’ll celebrate with some Opal Fruits.