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A stint as publicity officer for Mel’s Mobility Scooters involved Mick riding a 20ft high bike wearing tin foil

‘Been anywhere nice, then?’ he offered as his best chat-up line. No wonder it’s been lonely on the farm

Imagine the outcry if we did this to kids in assembly. Hugging followed the hanging. It was exploitative and sick. I’m calling Childline

Turpin Ted has achieved for the Haworth tourist industry what the Taliban did for winter sun breaks in Afghanistan