Another week, another end of term and, inevitably, another government clanger dropped with precision timing. This time, Gavin Williamson has decided to completely ignore the response of the masses and has declared that level 3 applied general qualifications will be de-funded, with some exceptions, leaving students with A levels, T levels or apprenticeships as their main post-16 options. 

Don’t even get me started on why I think this is a bad idea.

News: Some ‘won’t get level 3’ after qualifications reform

Need to know: Btecs that overlap with T levels to lose funding

Boris Johnson: We’re escalating the value of vocational

Instead, I feel the need to channel my annoyance and disbelief at a level that Williamson will surely understand. I refer to his days working at a fireplace manufacturing firm. 

Boss: “So, Gavin, we have been reviewing our range of fireplaces and the marble surrounds are incredibly popular, accounting for 45 per cent of our annual sales. But there are too many choices of marble surrounds, so we are ceasing manufacture of all but one design.”

Williamson: “But sir, these marble surrounds are big business. They suit a huge range of homes, businesses and budgets. They increase the attractiveness and saleability of properties. Our clients value their aesthetic qualities, robustness and classic appeal. If they are no longer available, where will our clients go? Will fireplaces no longer exist because there are none to suit their needs? What will happen to our trade in the future? Those skills and employment opportunities will be lost, It will be bad for the local economy!”

Boss: (deep breath, slightly exasperated) “Gavin, we have been reviewing our range of fireplaces and the marble surrounds are incredibly popular, but there are too many choices of marble surrounds, so we are ceasing manufacture of all but one design.”

Williamson: “Waaahhhh!”

Seriously, Williamson. You have asked for expert consumer advice and then done the complete opposite. 

I despair. There is only one example of intelligent life within our government, and I think Williamson could learn a thing or two from him. I refer, of course, to Larry, the Downing Street cat.

The Larry way of life

Larry is the longest-serving member of the existing cabinet. This is surely no coincidence. He models the ideal politician in a number of ways: 

• Larry is useful. He has his job (catching mice), and he does what he was employed to do.
• He is respected. If he wants the front door of Number 10 opened, there is no argument from his serv - sorry - colleagues. They just open the door for him and occasionally add a chin scratch in exchange for a purr. In return, Larry keeps his humans safe from furry intruders and happy harmony is promoted between servants and felines.
• He is assertive. Larry knows what enables him to do his job efficiently. He stands up for what is right. If that means being fed by Boris at 5am, then so be it. It isn’t a selfish move - rather it is his way of ensuring he is always ready to pounce and nobly protect his colleagues in the event of a rodent emergency.
• He is analytical. When he stands in an open door debating whether to be outside or inside, he is calculating the potential impacts of his decision.
• He is honest. If Larry doesn’t like you, it will be expressed as a hiss, a claw or a fluffy butt in your face. His actions correspond with what he communicates.
• Larry is considerably better for the economy. A salary of Dreamies treats is, most certainly, excellent value for money.

I could go on.

Childish humour aside, this latest move by the Department for Education’s leader really does feel a desperate attempt to show some grip, but I can just see our post-16 landscape becoming considerably bleaker for young people. Williamson could have chosen to empower them with choice but, instead, he has reinforced inequality, authorised elitism and conscripted students to limited future options.

I’m sure that T levels do have plenty to offer but there was nothing so terribly wrong with the existing system that it needed to be ripped up. A levels are needed, applied general qualifications are needed and apprenticeships are needed, just like the range of marble fire surrounds, because one design does not appeal to all.