Absence makes the heart grow fonder, goes the old saying. Well, two years after we last saw Sats undertaken in earnest, nobody seems to have grown that fond. 

Indeed, social media is full of teachers celebrating the absence of the tests from this first full week of May. In fact, Year 2 teachers must be finding themselves with hours of time to spare, given the usual burden of administering paper-based tests to groups of seven-year-olds.

But maybe there are a few glimmers of fond memories to reminisce about. Mind you, for those of us who have been around a while, it’s always galling to hear teachers announcing that they remember a particular reading text or maths problem…from when they were in Year 6. 

No Sats this year - but it wasn’t all bad

But that aside, surely it’s worth a trip down memory lane to see if there aren’t some positive thoughts to be found in this Sats-free year?

English tests

I think it’s probably safe to say that no one looks back on 2016 with rose-tinted spectacles. Indeed, there are plenty still scarred by the “warthogs milling around in bewilderment” and the monuments to someone’s distant ancestors. 

But, before that, there were happier times in the reading test. Just the year before, we were treated to guide dogs and ladybirds. And there’s many a Year 6 teacher who still remembers the earthship, or Sharon, the long-distance lorry-driver, or the wonderful biography of Evelyn Glennie. 

And I’m sure some schools are still using the volcanoes pieces as part of their Romans topics today. That said, maybe the less said about “Caves and Caving in Davely Dale”, the better.

Writing tests

It’s hard to believe that it’s a decade now since we said farewell to the writing test. And while we might have celebrated at the time, I’m not persuaded that we’re any better off in these days of the wretched writing assessment framework. 

We are, though, at least saved the boredom of reading endless short writing test papers about “my favourite meal” or vacuous descriptions of “a busy place”. 

In fact, I have to concede that it’s hard to find a gem among the coalstones when it comes to writing tests. I will confess, though, to always having a fondness for the “How to look after a miptor”. Even after all this time, you’ll still find 25,000 Google hits for “miptor”.

Maths tests

It’s hard to get nostalgic over a bit of arithmetic, or some geometry, but even here there are a few lighter moments. For a start, Chen, star of many a maths question over the years, has become quite famous, even during his/her enforced absence.  

I also happen to miss the delightful lady who did the old mental-arithmetic recordings - although not the trauma of finding enough working CD players for the test itself. 

Similarly, the mathematics fans among us will all have favourite questions from over the years. I’ve always been fond of questions with pineapples and mangoes, or how long a koala sleeps for. But I’ve still not quite recovered from the fried egg-style Venn diagram.

Grammar tests

Erm… no, sorry, you’ve got me here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the subjunctive mood, and I can circle adjectives with the best of them. But I just can’t get animated about the newcomer to the Sats fold. 

Perhaps we can just quietly forget about this one when everything starts up again next year? It can go the way of the science tests, as far as I’m concerned.

I might just about save the rest of them, though - though I’m beginning to feel like it might just be me.

Michael Tidd is headteacher at East Preston Junior School in West Sussex. He tweets @MichaelT1979