According to social media, Lissa is happy. Her Instagram feed is full of pictures of her smiling, posing with her boyfriend. The captions make it clear how in love the pair are and how much they mean to each other. But behind those smiling selfies, Lissa’s life is very different. Her boyfriend manipulates her, humiliates her and attempts to control every aspect of her life.

The worst part is that nobody knows about it - not her friends, not her lecturers at college. And lockdown has only made things worse.

How would you know if a student you taught was experiencing relationship abuse? In some cases there would be clear signs: bruises, missed lessons, social withdrawal. But relationship abuse is not always easy to spot. In a case such as Lissa’s, where the abuse is emotional, the situation may be invisible to outsiders.

Yet research has found that emotional abuse is more common among teenagers than you might think. A study published by the NSPCC and the University of Bristol in 2010 found that 75 per cent of girls and 50 per cent of boys between the ages of 13 and 17 reported some sort of emotional partner abuse - usually controlling behaviour.

If these numbers seem high, consider this: those are just the cases we know about. The real figures are likely to be even greater. That means there will be students like Lissa at every college, struggling with abuse that nobody else can see. And the impact of that abuse can be far reaching.

“The young person may feel their partner has made them feel isolated by creating a rift between them and their support networks. Or they may have disrupted their education or work, ” says Naomi Gosling, an access and outreach service manager at Rise, a Brighton-based charity that helps people affected by domestic abuse. “This can be done in many ways - not taking it seriously and teasing the victim for wanting to achieve their goals, or more subtly, by taking up all of their time so they have none left for studying or working.”

Left unchecked, this behaviour can also leave young people with post-traumatic stress disorder and make them more vulnerable to future abuse.

Colleges, as places that students visit (or remotely connect with) on a daily basis, could surely provide a lifeline. But how can you fight what you can’t see?

Student wellbeing: Telltale signs of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse - also called psychological abuse - is very difficult to spot, according to Susie Hay, an expert on abuse. “The signs to look for are very hard to pinpoint,” says the psychotherapist and head of research, evaluation and analysis at the charity SafeLives. “It could be a change in behaviour or a drop in academic achievement. It might be that the appearance of the students has changed or [there is] a change in friendship groups.”

She recommends that college staff look out for any general change in a student’s attitude or the way they communicate. She adds that people who are being abused often engage in destructive coping behaviour, such as drinking to excess or smoking.

“But these aren’t the only self-destructive activities we should look out for,” Hay continues. “It might be that the young person begins overexercising, for example.”

Identification of the problem is further complicated by the fact that emotional abuse does not always take the same form. In the NSPCC research, controlling behaviour in a relationship was the manifestation of abuse that was most frequently reported. But emotional abuse can also take the form of name calling, threats or “gaslighting” (in which someone lies to you to make you question your sanity, memories or perception of reality - see box, above right).

Abusers may also try to exert control and intimidate their partner through the use of technology. Once again, this behaviour often goes unseen. “Spyware on phones, location-sharing apps, Snap Maps [a Snapchat feature that allows you to find content and users by location] - all are used to stalk, track and surveil,” says Hay. “Today, we can use someone’s social media profile to track who and what they’ve liked; video calls and selfies can be insisted on in order to prove someone is in a specific place or wearing certain clothes.”

Another issue with identifying emotional abuse is that victims themselves may not recognise that something is wrong. A survey conducted by SafeLives in 2020 revealed that many young people perceived controlling behaviour as being neutral or positive. The overwhelming majority of respondents rated “getting violent when angry” as “negative”, but when it came to behaviour such as reading a partner’s text messages or wanting to spend all their time together, respondents were more likely to answer that they were “unsure” (21 per cent and 20 per cent respectively). And 9 per cent and 6 per cent respectively actually saw this behaviour as “positive”.

Would it therefore be easier to identify those students who might be more susceptible to this type of abuse in the first place and make sure that staff check in with them on a regular basis?

This could work, says Hay: while “anybody can be a victim” of abuse, “some people are more vulnerable”.

“Someone who has undergone childhood trauma, or a person who has communication challenges, might be more likely to be targeted by an abuser,” she explains.

It might also be helpful for college staff to become aware of the words that young people use to discuss relationship abuse, she adds, as the phrases you overhear might not be official terminology. According to the SafeLives survey, 69 per cent of 13- to 18-year-olds would use the phrase “toxic behaviour” rather than “emotional abuse”.

Hay also points out that while girls are statistically more likely to report relationship abuse, it is important to remember that abusers may be male or female, and that a “toxic” relationship could be heterosexual or homosexual. Emotional abuse can even happen within friendships - it isn’t limited to romantic relationships.

Identifying those students who might be more at risk of becoming involved in “toxic” relationships could be a useful strategy, then. However, tackling emotional abuse is likely to require a whole-college approach, experts say. What would that look like? There are several key steps for colleges to take.

1. Take a student-led approach

It is really important for colleges to provide the space for students to talk through any relationship issues they might be facing, says Graham Rayner, assistant principal and senior tutor at the Colchester Sixth Form College in Essex, where all students discuss relationship abuse as part of the tutorial programme.

“We developed materials a couple of years ago in association with CARA (Centre for Action on Rape and Abuse in Essex),” he explains. “One of their outreach workers came and worked with two tutor groups, who then went on to create materials to share with their peers.”

Taking a student-led approach has really paid off in terms of engagement, Rayner continues: “This tutorial has provoked more interest, reaction and debate than any other in the programme.”

Involving students in the creation of the materials and allowing them to direct the discussion not only gives them a sense of ownership, but also ensures you’re covering the topics that are most relevant to them, he adds.

2. Discuss what is and is not acceptable in relationships

This includes clearing up existing confusion around what emotional abuse is.

Gosling says that helping young people to name and understand emotional abuse - rather than thinking of it as “toxic behaviour” - will support them to recognise when it is happening to them or those around them.

One problem that colleges have to overcome here is the fact that there are often mixed messages about what is and is not acceptable in relationships in the media that teenagers consume. On the one hand, this can be an issue, says Hay, but fictional representations of unhealthy relationships may also provide a useful way in to a discussion.

“We have a distortion of what is OK in a relationship,” she says. “[But] using case studies helps [students] to recognise themselves in the scenario. If you give a case study, either fictitious or in the media, and ask them how they would help, they will eventually talk about themselves.”

3. Use the ‘best friend’ to your advantage

Rather than approach a figure of authority, young people who are being emotionally abused will typically go to their friends for help first, says Hay. The problem with this is that another teenager usually isn’t any better prepared to offer advice and support than the victim is. But colleges can change this by educating all students about what they could do to help a friend in need.

SafeLives has produced a resource for young people called The Best Friend Toolkit, which covers a range of relationship problems, ranging from what should be considered acceptable behaviour in a relationship to ways to end a relationship.

4. Empower students to access support

Ultimately, the most important thing a programme of support can do is to empower young people to make the choice to remove themselves from a dangerous or unhealthy situation. This means not only ensuring that students are able to identify emotional abuse when it happens, but ensuring that they know to notify someone who can help them. Having the necessary support structures in place at college is crucial here, says Rayner.

“We provide general emotional support in the form of our welfare team at college, who can also make onward referrals to relevant agencies,” he says. “This is especially important if the student needs to move accommodation and live independently, potentially claiming benefits to enable them to do this.”

The college also has a discretionary bursary if emergency funds are necessary to assist the young person to escape a dangerous situation.

Having this practical support in place is so important, Hay agrees, because this is how college staff can help a young person who is suffering in a relationship to take back control. “Be empathetic and empower the young person,” she says. “Provide a menu of choices, as this enables them to feel in control of their destiny.”

Grainne Hallahan is the recruitment editor and senior content writer at Tes

This article originally appeared in the 5 March 2021 issue