Burns Night Assembly
Cast of 30 - easily adaptable up or down
Duration: Around 15 - 20 minutes (depending on number of music suggestions included). The assembly could be further extended by the addition of some of the poems of Robbie Burns.
Who would not want to come to this party? Well, if you're not keen on bagpipes, it could be a problem! But the guest list is pretty unbeatable - with the likes of St Andrew, William Wallace, Mary Queen of Scots, James VI, Robert the Bruce, Walter Scott plus fellow writers, Alexander Bell plus fellow scientists, John McAdam plus fellow engineers, some sportsmen, politicians (fraid so!), that oh so enthusiastic chef (no prizes for guessing what he's served up!), Nessie (of course!) and not forgetting - that guy with the bagpipes .... oh and Robbie Burns!!
This script comes with some seriously bad jokes – would definitely get the thumbs down from that other Mr Burns of Simpsons fame!
(Enter bagpipes player, with loud bagpipe accompaniment)
(Everyone groans and cover their ears)
Narrator: Stop! Please! I think I’m going mad!
Bagpipes player: Och! You need to chill out a little, man!
(Takes out bottle of whisky from inside kilt)
Here! Have some of this fine Scottish whisky! Nothing quite like it for lessening the old stress levels!
Narrator: (Taking the bottle and having a sip) Well as long as it means your volume levels take a corresponding dip!
Bagpipes player: Oh to be sure! If that’s what keeps you happy!
(Enter Scottish chef carrying tray of haggis)
Scottish chef: And here’s something else to warm your inners!
(Narrator takes a bite followed by a coughing fit)
Narrator: What on earth was that?
Scottish chef: Oh! Just a bit of sausage I cooked up!
Narrator: Er, something tells me you’re holding back a bit on the description there?
Scottish chef: Oh, didn’t I mention? It’s the inner organs of a sheep … cooked in the stomach of a sheep!
(Narrator has explosive coughing fit)
Scottish chef: Oh, and if you want to know what those organs are, they’re the liver, heart and lungs. Plus a little seasoning! Delicious, eh?
(Narrator continues to ‘gag’)
Bagpipes player: (To chef) Er, far be it from me to interrupt but I think we’ve had enough description!
Scottish chef: Oh very well! (Placing tray on a chair) I’ll leave it here for you all to enjoy.
(Whole cast pull faces)
(Testily) This is meant to be a Burns celebration, you know!
Other Scottish scripts available from Sue Russell. Please note: there is some duplication of content and characters in this script and the St. Andrews Assembly/Class Play.